初衷

別忘了…

前個星期三

放縱的星期三，免除了冗長會議的折磨。

聽了半場天荒地老的講堂課，睏了，決定和同事們落跑。提筆改了幾份血跡斑斑的作文，累了，決定和落日晚霞賽跑。

放縱的星期三，告訴自己慢慢來。

跑步時遇到了難搞的斜坡。上坡時不斷激勵自己說：＂有上坡必有下坡。熬過了，肯定就會比較輕鬆了。＂

The dark side of the stage

I'm kinda glad I was on the other side of the stage yesterday. As some may put it, I was the betrayer/traitor and thus, am on the dark side like Darth Vader.

Lousy attitude is really like cancer. It degenerates the organization from within, killing any passion one may have, leaving the carrier weak and frail. If left unattended, it could also infect the good cells, morphing the group into a malignant growth. Let's not go down that road, ok?

And certain people just DON'T change. Or should I say CAN'T change. Shooting their mouths off whenever the chance arises. It's as if they suffer from Tourette's syndrome. So poor thing right.

勇

The year of dragon has really been roaring so far. I love my kids, I love my job. But really, there are times when I think work is devouring me just like a dragon gladly would.

I don't know why I can't work as well as my other colleagues. Why I can't produce my ERB on time like my laoda can. Why I can't produce interesting lessons. Why I feel guilty whenever I go out for coffee or a concert, thinking bout the pile of work at home. Why I feel like shit going back to work tomorrow, on a Sunday. And the next Saturday too. Oh yes and the 3 March, which coincidentally lands on a Saturday.

I really really like my work. Especially when I know I could offer a little comfort to unsettling kids, no matter how small. When I see their eyes focus on me during lessons when I offer little nuggets of facts, no matter how trivial. When they grab my hands and stop crying, no matter how short a time.

I just feel… maybe I am just really not up to it. And this sucks.

關於金錢

人們說：“金錢乃萬惡之首。”說這句話的人，真是笨死了。

金錢本來就不壞。邪惡的是人性的貪念。
就像罌粟花。可以變作芬芳的香水，也可以變成戕害身心的鴉片。

但是金錢會給人帶來煩惱，那倒是真的。

Surreal

2：46AM，2011年的最後一天。我竟然在工作，寫信給來年的學生家長。感覺...有點不真實，但也並非傷感。人老了，對於慶祝會啊，什麼的，都變得不太感興趣了。我反而自得其樂，反而忙得精彩，忙得充實，忙得快樂。

以前到了這個時候，都忙著相約朋友見面，吃飯，唱歌。今天，簡單地約了兩個許久沒見的高中同學，一男一女。說不上是莫逆之交，但都是很真實的人類。簡單的幾盤pizza，充滿笑聲的一杯咖啡。聊聊別人的閒話，說說近來的狀況，談談對未來的展望，感覺還不錯。

男生的友誼就是這樣吧。告別的時候，就這樣，一句“Bye bye, take care”就已經足夠了。不肉麻，不扭捏，很乾脆。

再過幾個小時，我們就要迎接傳說是末日之年的2012。
再過幾個小時，我們又要為新一年奮戰而作種種策劃。
再過幾個小時，我們又要許下一些不會落實的 New year resolution。
再過幾個小時，我就會改口告訴大家：“誒，小的今年26。”

你準備好了嗎？

當頭棒喝

那天，W 說了一句：“你怎麼跟半個世界的人有仇？”

這個圈子真的有那麼多牛鬼蛇神？
還是因為我是一個 freak magnet？
抑或者我自己是個討人厭的人？

我也不是討厭他們。只是不屑於和他們打交道。
不過就是一群即幼稚又自命清高的紈絝子弟嗎，不然就是一些心理不太正常的妖人。

我應該也是一個很討人厭的傢伙。呵呵～

宿醉

宿醉在昨日那驚魂未定的音符之中。

踏出考場才發覺牙齒因過度的咬合而酸痛。但緊張算得上是個充足的理由嗎？是理由還是借口？

經過了一夜，爛心情仍如同甩不掉的夢魘一般糾纏著。晨間新聞顯得無趣，黑咖啡變得無味，每個人看起來都面目可憎。

或許去捐捐血，念念佛，心裡會好受點吧。

節哀

最近某位友人遭到心儀女子拒絕了。說不上為他感到難過，但確實覺得很可惜。

女生始終無法漠視旁人的揶揄和嘲諷，才會找友人對峙的。如果少了這些閒人的冷嘲熱諷，至少他們之間現在還不會那麼尷尬，至少友人還可以繼續默默喜歡女生。其中一位雞婆，我們叫她肥雞好了，還好意思去＂安慰＂友人，還說出了＂都沒開始，怎麼說吹了＂這類的鳥話。真想請她吃拖鞋。

不明白為甚麼人們總愛把這類感情上的事情當作玩笑。當我們向別人傾訴的時候，就像是在把自己紅腫的傷口赤裸地袒露出來。每一次的戲弄，就像是背叛了這個信任，無情地用裹滿鹽巴的手去挫傷這道疤痕。

這樣，我還會向任何人透露我心中那尚未崩壞的地方嗎？

Happiness for breakfast

Today I was asked to tabulate the SA2 results for the whole P3 level to find the kid who has improved the most for Chinese Language. I was really happy when I realised that the person was none other than this really awesome boy in my class. I would never have thought that he flunked his SA1 exams. This time round, he made an improvement of over 30 marks.

It's really endearing to have supportive parents who affirm teachers for their efforts. She kept texting me to tell me that the boy is really motivated by this new and sometimes-really-blur teacher he has. But I really wonder how much of their success is due to my work.

Did they do so badly in SA1 because they've never had a full scale exam before?

Did they (and their parents), decided to get additional help upon seeing such horrifying results?

Did they genuinely think I taught well, or was I some kinda novelty?

Did their language abilities genuinely improve or did they just learn to handle exams?

Did I really do my best to help them achieve theirs?

Did they enjoy learning this half of the year?

There are so many unanswered questions and I felt that I was spared from Murphy's Law for this blessed half a year. 

Nevertheless, it indeed is heartening to see them improve by leaps and bounds, and also them earnestly asking whether I'll be teaching them for P4. It's kinda sad when I had to tell em that it might not be possible.

I hope I can psycho myself to believe that it is indeed due to me and not some miraculous divine intervention. Soon.